Eliminate the One Dollar Bill, You Dirty Leaders

Money is dirty. People have touched it. With their hands. With their fingers. They woofed snow up their filthy schnozola with it, and some of what is inside the ghastly organ got on the money.

But worse than this, the paper our bucks are printed on cost a fortune. There are good reasons to eliminate the one dollar bill. If we are going to be made sick by money, it could at least be for a fin or a saw buck. Not to worry. The treasury department has made an amazing discovery: People are honest. All of them. There isn't one single cheat or liar in the United States.

Rather than carry money and exchange it for gum, sex or drugs, people will need only say, "I am thinking of the money you are asking me for. I am picturing that money in my mind right now. Can you see the sum of money I am picturing in my mind?"

In the new emerging economy, the merchant, hooker or career criminal will respond, "Yes, yes, we are sympatico, I see the money you are thinking about, and I accept this clean, valuable currency."

Our leaders are wisely starting small, allowing only one dollar bills to be thought about so fondly. But if it works as well as I know it will, soon twenties, fifties and hundred dollar bills will be transacted in our depraved American minds.

You can't see it or hear it, where ever you are, friends, other individuals, people who think I'm a jerk, but I am pronouncing, "Tsk, tsk, tsk," while gesticulating. An article found on the Internet pulled the pin out of a metaphysical, imaginary and physically harmless handgrenade that I keep in the prop rooms of cognition. The article claims that vitamins A, C and E are not as good as was once believed. One or all of them could cause untimely death or illness, and I am most especially miffed with vitamin E, for such great hopes had lain on it.

If this new view of vitamins plants in your mind a cold war era loathing and uncertainty then welcome to the club. It is as if the agents of proper nutrition have revealed their dark side. But since it seems that antioxident vitamins don't work as orginally believed, and probably don't lengthen people's lives, there is a matter of civil duty to air.

It has to do with 'free radicals.' When the antioxident vitamins were still honored nutrients, it was believed that they worked their miracles by neutralizing free radicals which were said to be toxic at the cellular level. All X-billion of your body's cells will live longer and happier for the free radicals killed off by anti-oxident vitamins. But 'mais non, mon freres." The vitamins may have lead a Stalinist purge of innocent, productive and morally superior substances inside of you.

The free radicals killed off by vitamins A, C and E could have been the Abbies Hoffman, the Jerries Rubin, the Lennies Bruce of organic matter. I propose that we can not be free and healthy people in a hailing atmosphere of suppression.