Sunday, October 14, 2012

Itsy Bitsy Fiction

I'm emotionally fragile and could crack at any moment. Be gentle. Please. I'm wearing a brand-new tie, what I think is tasteful solid color gray silk, and what I think is a crisp white shirt. Looking for opinions. Gentle, gentle please. Other people dress up like this. I think. But it's like there is a curse that hangs overhead. It's dangerously close to Holloween. All right. I'm masquerading as a white-collar professional.

This is part of a plan. I came in here dressed to the nines (funky odd number) in an attempt to interact with a better class of people. That's not a value judgment. If you happen to be an out of work so and so, dressed in the clothing your mother bought you for Christmas, please disregard this appeal for help. And don't take it personally that I'm no longer open to friendship with persons in positions as low as mine. This is a mission.

The bartender is taking forever to wait on me and there is hardly anyone here. The few people at the bar are twice my size, have sway with the police, and the gift for conspiracy. I know most of them are wealthy, and they're all effecting the grunge look. And they seem to all know each other.  They have signals.  It's a fern bar. Well, it's an upscale sports memorabilia bar. But it's not full of sweating jocks. It's an upscale bar in an embattled Pittsburgh neighborhood. Dangerously close to nice.

The bartender is approaching, finally, with a mean sarcastic smirk on his face. Perhaps people already know me here. I can't help looking Middle Eastern. Succeeded in buying a bottle of Rolling Rock. A cold one, as the hoi polloi calls a beer. Lifting it up to drink, condensation drips on my lap. On my shirt. On the conservative solid color necktie. A book of matches in my pocket spontaneously combusts. Smoke is coming off the pocket of my black polyester slacks. People are looking at me.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Seven Piss Tests


My brood sack is fully extended with the wiggling offspring of joy. And not for nothing. My most favorite dollar store is rocketing into medical curative science. The magic number alone drowns all lassitude, while breathing life into a paper bag of exuberance. Seven. Seven things you can find out about yourself by peeing in a cup and dunking, like a doughnut, a paper strip. For one dollar a whiz, you can test your water for drugs, alcohol, pregnancy, menopause, ovulation, glucose, and urinary tract infection. These are the seven dwarfs of need-to-know. Should you test positive for something you wish not to be, you can always ask the clerk at the checkout counter for a second opinion.