Saturday, March 31, 2018

New Blog Feature: A Little Common Sense With Bruce

I've given the matter a lot of thought, and I have the solution to gun violence in public schools.  As many  manic Appalachian folk have shared with me,  the truth is so simple no one thought of it before.  Sports.   The javelin.   An often under-rated field sport.  When was the last time you got horny over a really stacked javelin thrower?   That's so wrong.   Javelin throwing is a graceful sport, and for some reason I feel as though it is the activity of the hour.  The epidemic of school shootings.

 A lot of inner city schools don't even have track and field sports.  They're not insured against human imperfection.  So troubling.  I propose public schools everywhere revitalize the sport, and stock all class rooms, like trout in a cement pond, with javelins which can be thrown at school shooters.  Some nut case comes in the room with an AK, everyone grabs a spear and goes to work.  Hall monitors could get in formation and say, "Halt, who goes there."  This could really raise a lot of positive school spirit.

Shooters can  be teamed up on by school kids wielding modified sports harpoons in a spectrum of bright candy colors, much like those lovely rifles athletes shoot during winter Olympics skiing rituals.  Kids can be encouraged to charge in like Zulus and spear the assailant to death.  And holy jeepers, nothing works better than a common ordinary stick when you need to disarm an asshole with a gun or knife.   The SOBs have been known to work wonders.   Bashing people over the head with sticks has been carried off successfully many times, many places.   It makes me gag the way people are immune to the obvious.  

And never forget, football is a military sport.   That's all for A Little Common Sense With Bruce.

Sunday, March 25, 2018

Readers, bloggerites, I am obliged to divulge that I have been having Elvis sightings, right here, my place, my space.    The last one happened three o'clock this morning, I had dined earlier on twelve fried peanut butter, bacon and banana sandwiches with extra Crisco, I awoke from slumber flatulent, and as fragrant molecules permeated the bedding, Elvis transfigured his corpulence from out of the texturized drop ceiling over head. It was a message from the Great Beyond.  "Ya'all quit whining like a hound dog, Bruce.  You just hush your mouth and compose frivolous entertainment features, like your doggone Fashion Report you do on facebook.   And shut the fuck up about politics."

Right on, Elvis Presley.   Things are so urgently fucked up here on Earth that he transported his flabby butt all the way back here to inform that people are giving themselves and everyone else a pain in the ass.  Political activism ain't nothing but a hound dog these days.  Cryin' all the time.  

Right before he left the building, sparkling  off in his powder blue dream-mobile, he said a few parting words.  "Goods and services.  Produce the motherfuckers.  It's more ethical than protesting shit you can't find your ass the long way around in."   

You can see why I have to share this crap with everyone.  It came from Elvis.  He means it.  Quit obstructing and get to constructing things.  Widgets.  Invest in a Quick Lube fanchise.  You will do well.