This is so painful to have to dredge up, but in the thirteenth century, one of my fore-cousins invented Dutch elm rot. He did it on purpose, because his tulips had been snubbed by the aristocracy. I don't condone what Lucius Vanderjerker did, but wood is thicker than bark. I have to defend cousin Lucius.
There was a system in place that forbade non-Dutch residents from sending tulip bulbs to the Royal Hotshitfucking Flowers Symposium. The symposium operated in secret, while it relied upon a network of clueless useful idiots to do the work of a jail house rat. Informants were rewarded with praise for reporting all posey insurgents.
Lucius Vanderjerker came to Holland in steerage. He was ambitious. Hungry. And mad as a magic mushroom muncher. Some of that madness was expended upon his mission to breed the most wonderful fucking tulips any Dutch asshole ever fucking saw. Like too many migrating hopefuls, he was reported to the Royal Hotshitfucking Flowers Symposium. He was promptly black balled. The tulip bulbs he had been Fed-Exing to them, year after year, were either discarded or stolen. How is a prick like Lucius going to prove he was being plagiarized? He wasn't being recognized as a breeder of Tulips. Only a winky little circle of creeps were allowed that honor. The aristocrats. Those preening human Christmas bulbs on an aluminum tree screwed together from privilege. No tulips are pretty enough to dazzle away the injustice.
And so Lucius Vanderjerker threw his flower bulbs in a chamber pot, and invented elm rot. It's shameful to know he was a relative. No one since Lucius has done anything that shitty. Holy shit, I hope people will understand that this shit happens in the best of families.
There was a system in place that forbade non-Dutch residents from sending tulip bulbs to the Royal Hotshitfucking Flowers Symposium. The symposium operated in secret, while it relied upon a network of clueless useful idiots to do the work of a jail house rat. Informants were rewarded with praise for reporting all posey insurgents.
Lucius Vanderjerker came to Holland in steerage. He was ambitious. Hungry. And mad as a magic mushroom muncher. Some of that madness was expended upon his mission to breed the most wonderful fucking tulips any Dutch asshole ever fucking saw. Like too many migrating hopefuls, he was reported to the Royal Hotshitfucking Flowers Symposium. He was promptly black balled. The tulip bulbs he had been Fed-Exing to them, year after year, were either discarded or stolen. How is a prick like Lucius going to prove he was being plagiarized? He wasn't being recognized as a breeder of Tulips. Only a winky little circle of creeps were allowed that honor. The aristocrats. Those preening human Christmas bulbs on an aluminum tree screwed together from privilege. No tulips are pretty enough to dazzle away the injustice.
And so Lucius Vanderjerker threw his flower bulbs in a chamber pot, and invented elm rot. It's shameful to know he was a relative. No one since Lucius has done anything that shitty. Holy shit, I hope people will understand that this shit happens in the best of families.
No comments:
Post a Comment