Flash Fiction: Heavy Water

  Heavy Water 

Noncompliance is a heinous crime against humanity. The city ordinance states that rain water pissing off your roof has to drain into one sewage line, and the city water from your tap and shower has to drain into the other one. Bastards spent your money determining that this prevents landslides and pestilence. But there are still bastards out there with mono-pissing drainage, which means that both types of H20 is all going into one or the other shit pipe. Landslides are like a fully comped month in Vegas compared what just happened to me.

I was using the bathroom, innocently, trustingly, when the water began rotating. Looking between my two hairy legs, I deduced the vortex was not from a spontaneous autonomic flush, which has happened. The plumbing here is older than character actors on All In The Family, so some funny things happen once in a while. It was a biochemical reaction from the two kinds of water colliding.

It's called 'smart water.' It was with only the best of intentions that the city put radioactive cobalt in the water supply, to kill germs and neutralize the cadmium that's killing residents by the dozen. It's not city leader's fault that Republicans emitted worse chemicals into the atmosphere to kill birds that are killing everyone with their goddam avian flu virus. It's why one egg costs sixty dollars at Giant Eagle. Sure, it was necessary, but short-sighted. Their scientists are intellectually challenged, while ours are all just brilliant. It's because of the GOP that I incurred horrible pain and trauma.

Please don't conflate what happened. It wasn't an alligator or a cobra, it was a water snake, a chemical reaction, that leaped from the vortex below and charged up my ass. I called my city councilperson, and there's a program they clipped like a coupon out of the infrastructure bankroll to pay for surgery. So I'll probably survive what happened, and it won't cost me a red cent of my own holdings, but smart water hardens on contact. I was told to lay off whole grain bread till they can schedule the procedure. Soon as they can free up a winch, I'll be good as new.