essay: Mein Itch

 

There are those among us who want to know how my 'roid flare-up is going. Others may be indifferent to it, mayhaps callous, and then there is the more articulated reaction of disgust and boredom. "Why is this man telling us about his asshole?' people may be asking. "Doesn't this bastard have something better to talk about?" is another question I'm not shy about.

I took psychology classes. There is a list of anti-social traits, they all fit on the back of a post card, and talking at length about either boring or repugnant subject matter is one of the lesser known of traits. I've worked in a dozen different telemarketing businesses, and every phone room I was in had text book deviant assholes there, many were top earners. One such had deliberately annoying behaviors like slamming the receiver down on his push button phone. He'd been asked repeatedly not to do it, and kept doing it. He was a top earner, and could get away with annoying people phoning nearest this creep. His forte was the shaggy dog story.

He'd tell us all, in gross detail, how he was going to cook a chicken fillet. Painfully boring content, he would effect annoying mannerisms while doing his act.

Then there was the creep who lived next door. He would talk at length about clipping coupons and buying canned goods. This guy also talked at length about his bowel habits. The guy was, among other things, a stalker.

I'm a nice guy with a 'roid flare-up. There are people who think anything butthole is funny, and I am in partial agreement, with reasonably normal reservations. It is possible to make the whole fetid affair entertaining, and I adore an open possibility. I call it the 'rictus of hope.' It might be fun to read about my ass. It may be disgusting. In any case, it is true. It is in the reader's heart and mind to be 'roid or anti-'roid. I care far too much about my reader's ass to neglect a proper explanation of why I talk so much about my asshole. Thanks for reading!